My friend NG calls me a lioness and sometimes when she describes my attributes am so amazed and wonder if its me or someone else. I love the woman am growing into every day though am not close to perfect, very weird, could be cranky, love odd things, see everyone as beautiful and a perfect day for me is one that includes sewing,reading my bible, thinking of the another way to make legal money, bask in childhood memory and think of how i and my mum would have made best gossip partners. I just started talking about my feelings cos i noticed i have bottled up a lot and its not helping...sometimes talking about it is so easy and other times so difficult especially when i have just overreacted to a little situation. Apart from the years i lost two loved ones this year is one year i know i have cried a lot. Am a twenty something years old girl growing quickly into a lady and trying to get her life on track! Am overwhelmed, sad, depressed, bruised on all sides and i still say am fine. Never knew growing up would be this demanding and exhausting. I wish Evelyn wasn't six feet below the ground, that she was here with me to go through this phase because am losing it. Have a lot on my mind to say to her about how much my body has changed, how i look so much like her now, all the funny ideas i have about love, how i have lost interest in my favourite movies, how i now feel so much love for babies that i dream of having my little ones, how confused i am at this stage and am tired of friends and loved ones telling me it will pass. Its been months and the feeling keeps growing everyday. i thought i could contain it, talked about some aspects of it with Dave, prayed about it, listened to songs i love, give myself prep talk every morning i look at my face in the mirror wondering why acne, whiteheads and blackheads have decided to fight civil war on my face( so tired of hearing its maturing ) and am slowly losing it, going back on the promise i made to Evelyn 12 years ago about not getting angry or worked up over little things, am mad at her for leaving me though she had no choice. Am so broken so so broken... i have cried am still crying. The true is am not fine and i can't even admit it. The lioness is trying so hard to be strong and be like Evelyn who gave it her best shot till she took her last breath, battling with not getting angry because of all the pressure in her head worst of all when am asked what's wrong with me i don't know where to start from so its either i say am fine, nothing or i don't know. I know God has a plan but this plan i don't understand. Am really grateful to God for family and loved ones...they have been so amazing, understanding and some how aggressively pouring out so much love on me to get back on my feet though i don't really talk about it but they can sense it from my edginess.
i have taken solace in the fact that the lord sees and hears my cry and in his holy book he said " i am the God of all flesh is there anything too hard for me?" Its 198% good to dream big and work toward it but the 2% of doubt will test your resolve, open up all your insecurities, bring back attributes you thought you have dealt with, taunt you, break you, grind you to powder , remould you, reshape you and strengthen you for the eminent success because you just can't be the old you after the storm. I think am at the breaking stage right now and though am petrified, am ready to go through all the stages cos i must come out my best piece when its all over.
Am sending you lots of love and sunshine,